Hello & welcome to my newsletter of all the stories I hope you missed! This is a newsletter about American politics and anything else I think is so dumb that I can’t help but cover it.
Okay, I love country music. I’m not exaggerating when I say that I listen exclusively to country music & Taylor Swift.
So, obviously, it didn’t escape my notice when Country Music Star Jason Aldean released a new song, Try That in a Small Town: a very threatening list of things you can’t get away with in small towns, because they have no crimes and love their guns platonically. Country Music Television pulled its music video, which included imagery of the site of a lynching interspersed with clips from Black Lives Matter protests. Some people are saying it almost seems like he’s calling for lynchings, but the only reason someone might think that is if they watched the video, okay? Or listened to the song. Or followed Jason Aldean’s politics.
And yet, Aldean gets to the heart of something very real, which is that Small Town America and Big City America don’t know what each other’s lives look like. He also confirms something I’ve always believed about small towns—they’re all identical. I’ve only been to a few—Philly, Boston, Richmond—but I had a hunch.
Still, we clearly don’t know enough about the other side. So, to clear things up, I wrote a list of transgressions people from small towns should not even think about committing if they ever visit my home city of NYC. If you set foot in the five boroughs, do not even TRY to:
find parking in under an hour
stay at a diner three minutes past when you receive the check
sit on the subway, unless you want an elbow in your face! (It might be an accident…but it also might not!)
be on time, if you’re getting somewhere via the MTA
or car
or on foot—the streets get pretty crowded
make it through a cocktail party without being asked where you went to college
get a brunch reservation literally anywhere, including the Starbucks on your corner
do your laundry
avoid stepping in feces—bird, dog, or otherwise
get your haircut. No one has space. Your hair lives on your head forever, now; it’s the only apartment it could afford.
feed the stray cats. Everyone will flip out if you feed the stray cats.
stomp on a flag. I know this is one of Jason’s small-town things, but I don't think New Yorkers stomp on flags, either. I feel like if you tried to get a flag off a pole you’d get a ticket, and the city’s already so unbearably expensive that we tend to avoid those.
make plans with anyone during the summer or the month of December or on Saturdays or during the week
say anything positive about NYC. You’ll be met with blank stares, if not worse.
leave your house without spending $60
leave your house without spending $80
leave your house without going broke
let all the traffic and crowds and heat and overpriced froyos make you forget—for even a minute—that it’s the very best city in the world
just kidding. Literally...why is it so overpriced?
Okay, now onto some more familiar stories…
Trump is either indicted for a third time or about to be or a trial is scheduled or about to be…I can’t time this newsletter around his legal woes, I’ll cover it more next time. This indictment is about fake electors, which is just like…Trump finally creates some jobs, and then he gets his head bitten off!
There is one lady implicated, though, who claims she thought the fake elector sheet was the regular sign-in sheet. I don’t know. I guess I believe her. We all make mistakes. I once spent 18 months in a relationship with a man who earnestly said “Happy Monday.” Not every Monday, but…enough Mondays.
Chris Christie was asked if he’d be willing to be Trump’s running mate, and honey, I gotta tell you—he really paused (it’s at 7:16. Well, more like 7:16-7:21). He eventually says no, but it doesn’t mean much at that point. That’s like when I ask my boyfriend if I’m the best sex he’s ever had. It’s not a hard question; just lie. Trump can do it! In fact, I once read that Trump lies an average of 32 times per day, and I’ve felt lazy ever since.
Christie then made a jab at how he couldn’t be Trump’s VP because it didn’t work out well for Mike Pence. Fair. Pence’s poll numbers are so low that Ronald Reagan is beating him and he’s literally dead.
But other candidates are doing well—5% is the new 1%, as Doug Burgum tells his reflection in the mirror every morning. Which perhaps has inspired the No Labels party, who just held a big luncheon in New Hampshire, which is just like…how do they make a reservation? They have no name to give!
But what they lack in substance they make up for in delusion. “Dr. King would be a member of No Labels,” says No Labels board member Benjamin Chavis. I have to be honest, I don’t remember the part of the I Have a Dream speech where Dr. King says he’d like people to be judged not by whether or not they affiliate with the party of white supremacists, but by the content of their character.
And finally, there’s a new study finding that it’s actually the bosses—not the Gen Z underlings—who oppose making workers come back to the office. Okay, now that I know it’s the managers who support working from home, I agree with Malcolm Gladwell that it’s just a way to disguise not working.
That’s all!! I’m about to fly to the UK to do my stand up show every day for a month, but I’ll be in touch. Sign up for Premium I beg you. There will be at least 4 premium posts per month—maybe more. For just $5!! It’s worth it.
And finally, have a photo of my beautiful cat, Brian. The cover photo was otherwise going to be a screenshot of the Chris Christie interview, so you’re welcome.
I can’t believe I’m leaving him for six weeks :(
xoxo
Ginny
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